A Dark Place
Me, before I gave my life to Christ, found this comfort and affirmation in being SEEN.
I loved the attention I got from others, from the camera, from the pictures, from the “Scene”…
Come-on! I don’t know one girl who doesn’t. And if you say you don’t take selfies because you think you look pretty, you lie! Anyway, it felt awesome to be asked if I was a model during a photo shoot, or walking around at a car show.
Truth is none of it sustained me; when the party or event was over, I’d feel empty, a gaping hollow inside of my chest until the next event, party or social thing. As much as I “liked” those atmospheres, I was never REALLY comfortable in them. So, the goal once arriving was to numb that anxiety with a good hard buzz. It almost felt like I became another person, more confident and less anxious when I was riding that high. Tons of laughs and shenanigans with my friends but…like always, once the music stopped and I slept it off, there it was again, this deep deep hollow within me.
I wasn’t necessarily searching for God, but I definitely had moments of thanking Him because, so many times I had been in situations that should have taken my life and didn’t. Now I know why…
One night I was in what some would call “a dark place”, I was rocking out to my friends band and the Holy Spirit began to talk to me..ohhh man if there were words to articulate this in a way that could place you in the room with me... Picture this if you can.
There was me standing in a dark crowded room filled with people laughing, dancing, and drinking… bodies all around moving obediently to the beat of the music….my man’s got his arm around my neck and suddenly everything slows down, I’m seeing it all in slow motion, but instead of seeing the faces of the people around me laughing and hanging on each other, my eyes are glued to the people who pass in front of me; their smiles are falling as their turning away from their friends, from the bar, from the dance floor.
Their faces are heavy and look to be in pain. Even one girl leans against me because she is so drunk she couldn’t stand up on her own. My heart is breaking, the Lord directs my eyes to this older woman, I am going to say she was probably in her late 50’s, she was dancing as if there were strings attached to her arms and legs, her jaw was hanging like it was too heavy to close her mouth and her eyes had sunken black rings around them.
She looked so tired…. Sooooo exhausted and almost like she wanted to stop dancing to catch her breath but with each string yanked on that big base, another arm would fly up and another leg would pull forward to catch her exhausted body. When the music would stop for the next song to start, she would sit down, practically throwing herself into the chair and sure enough as soon as the next song began and the wooden stick would hit the drum; it was as if the music would pull her up by the neck and land her on her feet to dance according to the commands of the beat.
Suddenly I'm startled because a drink spilled on my feet from someone on the dance floor and my attention was directed to another group of ladies all young and beautiful, holding drinks in one hand taking selfies with the other, and I saw the same strings on them.
My heart broke even more, I looked back at the older woman and this time she was accompanied by three other women who looked to be around the same age and they too were TIRED…… I almost couldn’t bear it!
It took all of my heart not to cry. I wanted to grab these younger girls and beg them to surrender their self inflicted pain. The only thing I could do was try and lock eyes with the ones who turned my way and love them with eyes of compassion. Maybe just maybe; they would see the heart of Jesus..
Not only was I overcome with the fact that once upon a time this was me, but I was overcome with the heart of the Father and all I could do was pray inside my mind. I began to think about scripture that would talk about why Jesus would hang out in “dark places”. Or why he would hang out with “BAD” people.
Most people get all offended when they hear the word “bad” but do you know what the definition of bad means?
It means, unpleasant, unsatisfactory, unacceptable, imperfect, careless and miserable. Aren’t we all these things every now and then? No one is perfect! Not even a Christian! Maybe by this point in my story you are saying to yourself, “not me” “God can’t possibly forgive what I have done".
Do you not think that God is aware of your struggle, or of your pain? Do you wonder, "If God is so good, then why do these things happen?"
In the book of Joel chapter 2 v. 11, Joel speaks of a demonic army that is strong and missions against God’s people who are immersed in sin. This is an army that devours us!
It leaves nothing but desolation and destruction. The sinner has no sword that is effective against it. One satanic worm after another devours your life:
“that which the palmerworm hath the locust eaten; and that which the locust hath left hath the cankerworm eaten; and that which the cankerworm hath left hath the caterpillar eaten” Joel 1:4.
Every coke bag, heroin needle, pill, you name it, is a locust, a cankerworm. "The vine is dried up and the fig tree languishes…even all the trees of the field are withered…. Joy is withered away” Joel 1:10,12.
Joel is describing the older woman I saw in the dark place. He was describing the younger ladies falling on each other in drunkenness. Maybe you’re reading this and you're thinking “if God is really able to deliver me from my mess; then how can I ever repay Him or live with what I have done?
In Joel chapter two, it says that God will make it all up to YOU!
He will make it up to me?
All the wasted years?
All the mistakes?
All the people I hurt and who hurt me?
He says "walk before me in righteousness, and turn from your sins, and I will make up for the losses, whether they were yours, your families or Mine!”
This is what Jesus does, He brings forth in us a supernatural joy, revelation, peace and victory-far beyond our human understanding! He can accomplish more in us, for us and through us now than we ever thought possible.
You and I were NOT meant to be puppets. He can do so much with a “I’m sorry” and “I surrender”. YOU are the only one who can cut those strings. There is no bondage in Christ Jesus. We still sin and we are certainly NOT perfect; but He is the only one who can redeem it all <3